


From the Room to the Tube

by Miss_Von_Cheese



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Frottage, Hand Jobs, M/M, Pornography, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sexual blockage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-19
Updated: 2014-04-19
Packaged: 2018-01-20 01:20:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1491433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miss_Von_Cheese/pseuds/Miss_Von_Cheese
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's hard for Bucky to come back to a normal life, after being deprived from his free will and independence for so long. His mind and body have a hard time adapting to this new freedom. Fortunately, he's got a good friend who's been through this before and won't let him deal with it alone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> It was supposed to be a simple little Stucky pwp at first, but a lot of feels happened. I would apologize but I don't manage to feel sorry yet... :)

There was always a darkness in Bucky’s eyes, even in the most relaxed moments. Now that he remembered everything he was way too conscious of his own past, of the crimes he had been forced to commit, all the atrocities he had done, and all those scenes he used to watch with empty eyes he now remembered vividly. That was too much to bear for one human being. But his worst guilt came from everything he had done to Steve, and that made their cohabitation more difficult. He always acted like he didn’t belong here, like Steve shouldn’t take care of him, like he owed him a lot too. 

That night when he came back to the small apartment they shared, Steve had a strange feeling. He could sense Bucky wasn’t as usual. His eyes were even darker, he seemed gloom, distant, and preoccupied with something; he clearly had a problem and Steve knew he would never ask for help. 

Steve took a beer from the fridge, gave Bucky a glass of cold milk -the ex-mercenary refused every single drop of alcohol, he never wanted to lose control again-, and sat in the chair in front of the sofa. Immediately Bucky motioned to let him the couch, as if only Steve deserved this luxury.

“Nah, I’m good,” Steve assured, taking a sip. “Now will you tell me what’s going on?”

“Nothing,” Bucky mumbled. He was nervously kneading one of the couch pillows on his lap as if it could calm him, and that wasn’t one of the many rituals he had to do on a daily basis to feel better. “M’fine. And you? How was your day?”

Steve let out a soft sigh. He leaned back against the couch, spread his arms with a soft smile. “Please, don’t lie to me. Just tell me you don’t wanna talk about it, but don’t pretend everything’s okay. I’m not gonna force you to talk, I just want to know if you need anything, if I did something wrong…” 

Steve had resolved to communicate as much as he could, and work hard to restore his relationship with his best friend. He didn’t blame him, he could never consider him responsible for all this mess. He was a victim just like any other. Yet Bucky was broken inside and Steve wanted to do anything he could to make him feel alive again. Treat him like a human being, not like the result of an experiment. 

“I --I…” Bucky stammered. “I don’t wanna burden you with my problems, okay? It’s nothing. You’ve already...”

“... done so much for you, I know that song, Buck,” Steve shrugged with a gentle smile. “So what? I’m your best friend, I could die for you. So yes, you can burden me with your problems, I prefer them to be on my shoulders than on yours.” 

Bucky shook his head. “There’s nothing you can do this time so let it go, will ya? It’ll pass.” 

Steve took another sip, couldn’t contain a smile at Bucky’s white upper lip. He could tell that he was restless, nervous, anxious even. As if he were angry about something and couldn’t calm down. 

“Do you want me to call your therapist? Or a new one if you prefer? Sam has a list...”

“No… no, no, don’t,” Bucky replied a bit too fast. “I don’t want a therapist right now.”

“And you don’t want a friend either?” Steve insisted softly. 

Bucky tilted his head back with a groan. “Gimme a break, Steve, come on! You can stay, I never said you had to leave!”

Steve chuckled, shook his head as if he found the situation funny. He was terrified, wondering what was bugging his friend this time, but he didn’t want to insist too much, not to overstep. They both drank, licked their lips, waited in silence for a few minutes until Bucky finally gave up.

“Fine! You wanna know?” he barked. He didn’t seem angry with Steve but more with himself. He lifted the pillow as if he were going to throw it, and pointed his open hand towards his crotch. “I’ve been stuck with _this_ all day, since I got up, and… and… fuck, I don’t know what to do okay?”

He swallowed, his cheeks burning with the confession, and he who still was a threatening mercenary a few months ago looked now like a puppy who knows he’s done something wrong. “You can laugh it’s okay… it’s ridiculous after all.” 

Bucky was defensive but he seemed surprised, reassured even, to see that Steve didn’t laugh. Instead, the captain’s eyebrows rose and he let out a soft sigh, as if he understood the issue. 

“Oh shit.. you haven’t felt that in years, right?” he simply said, and that was all it took for Bucky to fully trust him again. These simple words showed how Steve genuinely cared and wouldn’t judge him. 

Bucky shook his head, his face still red. “No… nothing like that. It was just… not there… I know it used to be normal, before all that, when we were young, but --but now it’s too far. I’ve tried ignoring it, I’ve tried to work out but it doesn’t go away…”

“Hey, I know what you mean. Not exactly of course, I haven’t had your experiences but it took me some time to get back on tracks after the ice. I know it’s confusing, trust me.” 

With a deep sigh Bucky managed to look Steve in the eyes for a second before looking away again. Steve could tell he was lost, probably feeling like a stranger to himself. 

“Hey, you know what I think? I think you should take some time for yourself. Stop taking care of me and doing all the chores, stop everything, okay? Tonight I’m gonna go and see Sam and Natasha alone, I’ll tell them you were tired. I’m not coming back before midnight, you have the apartment for yourself…”

Steve got up and grabbed his keys but Bucky shook his head, following him in a hurry.

“No, no, Steve it’s okay! I’m not gonna kick you out for…”

“You’re not kicking me out, I’m telling you to take some time for yourself,” Steve insisted, putting on his jacket. “Seriously, I mean it. Just… relax, you hear me? Maybe take a bath, order something good to eat, you know where the money is. Listen to some music, and… you know there are several websites with a lot of videos… I mean, it’s a bit better than the shitty comics you showed me back in the days.”

He smiled, placed a hand on Bucky’s shoulder. “Want me to show you some…”

“I’m fine, I can use the internet,” Bucky protested, blushing. “Listen, this is stupid, I’m gonna come with you and…” 

Steve’s eyebrows moved to a funny angle. “James Barnes, don’t make me order you to stay at home. Enough caring about me, take some time for yourself now. I’m not saying that you _have_ to do anything, I’m just telling you the apartment is yours until midnight. Daddy’s not home you can do whatever you want.” 

He pulled twenty dollars out of his pocket to give to Bucky, because he knew his over-concerned friend wouldn’t dare taking cash from his secret stash. 

“And don’t make me call myself daddy again, that was really weird,” he joked as he opened the door.

Bucky looked down, frowned, and finally mumbled. “D’you have some website names?”

“Hm… you can try Redtube, Youporn, Porn MD, Xhamster… no, no that’s not what you think,” Steve added seeing Bucky’s disgusted pout. “Just don’t give your credit card number to anyone.”

“... I know, I’m not stupid,” Bucky blushed and looked away. “Thanks. For everything.” 

“No problem.” Steve smiled. “Just don’t think about me. I’ll be there by midnight, maybe later. I’ve got my phone, don’t hesitate to call me if you need anything.” 

His friend looked like a lost puppy when Steve closed the door, and he felt truly sorry for him, but that was the best he could do. Give Bucky some time alone, some privacy too, something that everyone had refused him for years. The luxury of being at peace. 

Steve remembered how confusing it had been to get in touch with his own body after the ice. Everything had seemed difficult, even picking a fork was strange and unnatural but at least, therapists could help him with it. His erections had been unexpected and quite resilient, the coldest showers barely helped, but he couldn’t really relax at night when every time he closed his eyes, his mind was filled with atrocious images of war and death. His natural shyness forbade him to go buy those magazines he saw in the streets, but curiosity made him google _“naked women”_ , which had led him to some surprisingly pleasant pictures and videos. He had discovered some things he didn’t know he would like, and appreciated scenes where men and women made love to people of every gender without shame, and if it wasn’t the most orthodox use of the internet he had had, Steve didn’t regret some of the prettiest pictures he had seen. He was certain Bucky would find a way to have fun, and hoped he would be able to ease off on the pressure.


	2. Chapter 2

Steve made it clear that he wasn’t in a hurry that night: he wanted to go out, enjoy a good evening with his friends, drink, eat, watch a game on the pub’s TV, and it was exactly what Sam and Natasha had planned anyway. Around half past midnight, they all decided it was a bit too late and unless they planned to go to a club they should go back home. They were young, but not _that_ young.

Instead of calling a taxi Steve walked back to his place, taking his time. If Bucky could relax and handle himself several times, he would probably feel much better afterwards. But when he saw him prostrated on the couch, in the dark, hands locked in front of him, a glass broken on the floor, Steve felt his heart ache. He quickly turned on the lights and walked to him, sincerely concerned. 

“What happened? Are you okay?”

Bucky took a deep breath, and Steve thought he was going to send him packing again, but his friend simply shook his head and exhaled through his nose. 

“No… I think I’m not okay.” 

Steve was hurt to hear it, yet there was something touching in seeing for the first time his best friend admit he wasn’t invincible. He removed his jacket slowly not to scare Bucky who kept looking in front of him, then sat down on the chair. 

“What happened?” he repeated gently, brushing the tip of his shoe against the shattered glass.

“I’m sorry I’ll clean this up. I lost it when I was holding the glass with my wrong hand,” Bucky apologized. He seemed distressed, even more than before Steve had left. The laptop on the coffee table was closed but not turned off.

“It’s okay, don’t worry. It was ugly anyway,” Steve assured with a smirk. He ran a hand on Bucky’s shoulder, stroked his biceps to test the waters. Bucky wasn’t defiant towards him, he was simply sad, and perhaps angry with himself. “Didn’t manage to relax?”

“I tried… I really tried, I swear I did what you said, I took a shower, put on some music…” 

“Hey, it’s okay, it doesn’t always work. You’re gonna need time to adapt, it’s fine,” Steve tried to reassure him. “It was the same for me.”

“No, it’s… those websites,” Bucky finally confessed, rubbing his nose. “They’re terrible. Everything is so… gross.”

Steve frowned for a second, not certain to understand. He remembered how back in the days Bucky would be the first to ask him to draw women in garters, he was not the modest kind. “Uh…”

“Everywhere it’s just so… it’s like this hell all over again, the tortures, the rapes, the women beaten, humiliated…” 

Understanding what he meant, Steve bit his bottom lip and knitted his brow. “Oh fuck, what did you search for?”

“Nothing! I just went to the addresses you told me, clicked on random videos… there are things I didn’t even know that were possible! I thought the guys were kidding when they said some whores do that!” Bucky ran a hand on his face. “The women they scream like they’re hurt, and you don’t know if they are or not. Men treat them like slaves, when they don’t tie them up and torture them with supplies I have only seen in Hydra’s caves, that’s…”

Bucky let out a trembling sigh, his hands were shaking as he put them in front of his mouth. He retched and closed his fists. “Fuck, what was that? Even the brothels in the camps during the war were less disgusting than these videos, and we’ve seen a lot of sick stuff back in the days.” 

“I’m so sorry. God, it’s my fault!” Steve sighed. “I should have warned you that you need to search for specific terms to find vanilla stuff… I --I didn’t think…” 

He had wanted to prove he trusted Bucky, he didn’t want to protect him too much or make him feel infantilized, he now regretted this choice. He should have risked being annoying and showed Bucky how to properly use these sites. Who knew what he had seen, and what memories had resurfaced afterward? 

“No, I just… I misunderstood something, once again,” Bucky huffed and punched his own thigh. “B--But…”

Steve tapped the couch to invite his best friend to join him. It took Bucky two long minutes of hesitation before he finally sat next to Steve, shoulders shaking a little. Steve placed a tentative hand on his arm but didn’t insist as Bucky shrugged it off.

“What? Listen, I’m sorry if you saw things that reminded you of a trauma or something, I should have been careful… really, it’s my fault this time. Do you wanna talk about it?”

Bucky shook his head from left to right, worrying his bottom lip with his teeth. His face reflected his confusion, he looked like a lost child, his eyes filled with doubts and regrets. 

“There were… all these videos, all the girls, and sometimes the men, being tied and… slapped, and fucked like animals…”

“I know,” Steve whispered. “I’m sorry you found the darkest side of the internet, it’s not all like that, I swear. There are some keywords that are less shocking than others.”

“No, you don’t understand,” Bucky sobbed, shaking his head. “I hated that, these scenes were terrible, and bad, but I was still hard! It didn’t calm me down. I knew that’s not how you treat human beings but that didn’t make me any less aroused, I’m as bad as these guys, I-- I’m a fucking monster, Steve! It did not go away, it’s still there in my head, I’m a monster! My mind disapproved but my body was...” 

“Oh you’re not monster,” Steve assured, this time unable to refrain himself from hugging Bucky. The ex-mercenary tensed for a second then relaxed, wrapping his strong arms around him in return. “I know what you mean, trust me. I do. But these videos are made by professional actors, it’s not real. It’s meant for people to fantasize. I know some of this stuff is kinda sick but it’s not just you… even the nicest guy would get hard in front of these films, that’s what they’re made for. They’re just efficient.”

Bucky stared at Steve for a moment, trying to read his face, but he didn’t seem convinced. His clenched jaw contrasted with his terrified look. Steve ruffled his hair and tried to get him to smile.

“I swear it’s not just you, trust me. This has nothing to do with what happened, you’re still the same old knucklehead I’ve always known. You’re a good man, Bucky, I’ve never thought you were a monster, and I still don’t.” 

Swallowing hard, Bucky nodded. “Is that what you watch? That kind of videos?”

“Come on, you know me!” Steve laughed. He shook his head with an amused grin, cheeks blushing with the confession. “I’m not that kind of guy. I’m the one idiot who searches for ‘ _romantic_ ’, ‘ _erotica_ ’, ‘ _sensual_ ’ and ‘ _making love_ ’ you know…” 

“Should’ve thought of that first, I… I should have guessed. I’m so dumb… but the first video freaked me out, and the second too and… I lost it…” 

“It’s okay, next time we’ll be more prepared. If you want I can search something for you, or we can go to a shop and ask for soft porn? There’s vintage stuff too, if you want girls who look more natural.” Steve tilted his head with a smirk. “Nowadays it’s impossible to find a girl unshaved, that’s creepy.”

Bucky’s eyelids fluttered and he managed to have a half-smile. “Yeah, noticed that too. So weird!”

“I remember when you asked me to draw for you… you were like ‘ _draw me a naked girl_ ’ and I was like ‘ _I’ve never seen a naked girl, jerk!_ ’,” Steve chuckled, happy to see Bucky laughed too. “And then... and then you were like ‘ _draw her bush too, and her armpits, she’s a brunette!_ ’ but I didn’t dare to, and we were horny for three days just thinking of it.”

“You were so fun to bother, you didn’t want to,” Bucky added with a real smile this time. “You said it was disrespectful to represent ladies this way but you stole my eight-pagers when I wasn’t there…” 

“Wait, hey, how do you know that?” Steve pouted.

Bucky shrugged. “I put them on the top shelf on purpose and I could see the dust you had moved when you tried to catch them, but you couldn’t see them. There were your little fingerprints everywhere.” 

“Damn! I thought I was discreet!” 

They both giggled like the teenagers they were back in the day, shoulder against shoulder, remembering how catching a glimpse of a garter or stockings would make them blush and babble. Calmed down, Bucky rested his head on the back of the couch and looked at the ceiling for a second. 

“I wish I were like that again…”

“Don’t worry, you’re still a jerk,” Steve teased, unable to hide the deep affection in his voice.

“Yeah… I mean, I was horny all the time, a skirt in the streets used to get me going, now it’s just… it’s like my head and my body both want different things and I can’t find a way.” Leaning forward, Bucky placed his elbows on his thighs. “And I’m alright until I accidentally touch my own skin with that damn metal arm, or I close my eyes and…”

“... and you see terrible things, and you disgust yourself,” Steve completed. 

Bucky gave him a reprobative look, yet there was no hostility in his voice. “Stop reading my mind, punk.” 

With a soft laugh, Steve gently placed his arm around Bucky’s neck and squeezed, stroking his closed fist on top of his head just as they did when they were kids. These last days it had become their way to prove their affection to each other, and this time just like the previous ones the playful embrace turned into a hug, as if cuddling straight away was too difficult.

Steve squeezed Bucky, maybe a bit too tightly, but he wanted to show how he loved him. Bucky would never have to feel alone, afraid and lost, he would always have someone to lean on, for as long as he’d stay with his best friend. After a few seconds of holding each other, Steve felt Bucky’s nose brushing against the short hair on his neck and heard him inhale. Warm breath on his skin made him shiver.

“Fuck, you’re not really helping here…” Bucky reproached softly but didn’t loosen his grip. 

“Sorry…” 

Steve sat back slowly, removed his arms from his friend’s body. Bucky seemed much more relaxed now that they had shared good memories. With a yawn, Steve looked at the bedroom and they both got up at the same time, agreeing that it was the best idea. 

“You’ll be okay?” Steve asked as they started to undress for the night. Bucky simply nodded, removing his pants. He waited until Steve looked away to take off his shirt, still insecure about his arm and all the scars, then quickly slipped under the sheets of his bed. 

On the other side of the room, just before he turned off the lights, Steve added, “Listen, I’m just gonna say it and you do whatever you want of it… if you need help, just ask, okay? I really don’t mind.” 

Bucky huffed, pulled the sheets around himself, slipped his mechanical arm underneath to appear more human. “You’re an idiot,” he grumbled. 

“Yeah, but I’m serious,” Steve assured once the lights were off. “Maybe someone else’s hand would be better, and I don’t think I’m overstepping if I say you’re not ready to meet, or pay for a dame, right?”

He pushed his dirty clothes with his foot, got to his bed as Bucky shifted in his own. 

“Shut up, Steve. You’ve done so much for me, I know I haven’t been the best of friends lately but I would never act like ‘hey, you saved my life and all, can you jerk me off now?’... that’s not how it works, not between us,” he protested in a low voice. 

Steve sat on the edge of his own bed, his eyes now used to darkness. He could see Bucky’s wide pupils staring at him as if he were insane. “No, indeed. Between us, it’s more like ‘my best friend is not okay, I help him’, remember? I’m just telling you this is an option, if you need my help anytime, you just have to ask. I won’t flip out.”

“You’re even more insane than I am…”

“And I’m gonna pretend that insulting me is not a way to hide you want it but you don’t know how to ask,” Steve smirked.

Bucky shifted onto his side. “You’ve been hanging out with Sam too much, he’s a bad influence on you.” 

“I’ve always talked back, you liked my sass when I was just a skinny kid.”

Steve chuckled at Bucky’s annoyed sigh. He didn’t want to impose anything on him, before today he would have never even thought about engaging in sexual activities together, and Bucky had been through so much during the last decades, he would never push him or force him to do something he didn’t want. He just wanted Bucky to finally understand he meant it, when he said he would do anything for him.

“I know you’re serious, that’s the worst thing about you,” Bucky mumbled, shifting uncomfortably. “You gotta accept there are things you can’t fix. This time, it’s not your mission, it’s mine. I gotta deal with this on my own. I’ll be okay, things will settle down.”

Leaning in to remove his socks, Steve snorted. “The thing is, you don’t have to…”

“I know, don’t finish that sentence!” Bucky warned. 

“It’s not my mission but if I can bandage nasty wounds on the field to help my friends, I can stroke my best guy’s cock. Actually that’s more fun. And you can’t stay like that forever, it will drive you insane.” 

Steve pulled his own sheets and laid on the mattress. He shifted several times until he found a comfortable position. He could hear Bucky’s short breath, nervous, and wondered if he had been too far. He sometimes forgot the roles had changed and Bucky was the most easily uncomfortable now. He was about to say goodnight when Bucky murmured, barely audible. 

“You... wanna try?”


	3. Chapter 3

“You... wanna try?”

Genuinely surprised, Steve propped himself on his elbow. “Uh… it’s as you wish…”

“Don’t make me beg okay? If you don’t want to it’s fine, just pretend it was a joke.” Bucky had placed his good arm on his face to hide in the semi-darkness. His breath was short, his legs half-folded in a defensive pose. 

Steve walked to his friend’s bed with slow moves, instinctively trying not to look too threatening. He sat on the edge and brushed his fingers on Bucky’s forearm. 

“Calm down, Buck, it’s okay… everything will be fine. Don’t worry, I’m here. I’ve always got your back, you know that.”

“‘Tis not my back,” Bucky protested with a smiling pout. 

Steve chuckled, brushed Bucky’s chin and jaw. “Try to relax, can ya?”

Bucky licked his lips and squirmed uncomfortably when Steve caressed his throat and shoulders. “It’s weird, man…”

“I know, but we’ve done worse, right? At least tonight nobody gets hurt,” Steve replied. He ran his hand on Bucky’s torso, felt him shiver. “Stay on your back, like that...” 

The second Steve pressed his palm on his sternum to suggest him to stay put, Bucky jerked and immediately sat, wide-eyed and terrified. “No! Not… like that.”

“Oh, of course, sorry.” Steve removed his hands from his friend, feeling like the worst idiot. 

These past decades, Bucky probably didn’t have many happy memories of being taken care of while laying on his back. He should have thought about it, touch him but don’t let him feel like a test subject. Steve spread his arms to invite him and Bucky hesitantly scooted closer to rest his forehead on his shoulder. 

“Here… better?” 

Bucky simply nodded. Steve had to suppress a shiver when his arm brushed against cold metal, but he tried not to let it show. 

“It’s really fucking weird,” Bucky mumbled but Steve could feel him lean into the touch, his scruffy cheek pressed against his skin. 

“Shhh no, it’s fine. Everything’s alright, buddy,” Steve gently encouraged. He brushed his fingertips on the broad shoulders, traced the muscles on his back, his chest. “Don’t think about me, think about yourself.” 

Bucky snorted. “That doesn’t really help, thinking about the one I hate the most.” 

There was so much sadness in his voice Steve couldn’t help kissing his temple. He ran his knuckles on Bucky’s abs, feeling him tense, finally cupped his crotch in his hand. He could already feel him half-hard and guessed it had been like this all day. Bucky gasped and startled.

“It’s okay, I’ve got you… relax, don’t be afraid… I’m here…” 

Bucky’s shivers made his whole body shake sometimes but he didn’t move. Steve kept listening to his irregular breathing as he stroked him through his boxers. He could feel his heart beat against him, his cock throbbing, begging for attention.

“One last thing before I stop talking, or you’ll never manage to get in the mood,” Steve added in a tender tone. “You say ‘no’ and I stop. Immediately. Don’t wanna make you uncomfortable. It’s all for you, you set the limits, okay? Just a ‘no’ and I’m leaving you alone.”

Bucky’s heavy breathing was warm against Steve’s skin. He licked his lips, placed a trembling hand on the small of Steve’s back. “Please don’t…”

“Don’t what? You want me to stop?” Steve invited, removing his hand. 

“Don’t stop talking,” Bucky croaked in a low voice. 

Steve frowned, he was not an expert at all, he had no idea what to do or say in this situation, but if Bucky needed a familiar voice he would do it. What wouldn’t he have done for him anyway? He placed an arm around Bucky’s neck to keep him close and slid his fingers under the rim of his boxers. 

“Sure… anything you want.” Steve’s fingers met the soft and warm skin of Bucky’s erection, the first he touched that wasn’t his own, and instinctively wrapped around the hard shaft. A pained groan echoed in the room but Bucky didn’t move, didn’t even pretend to run away. He seemed desperate to be touched, held by trustworthy hands. 

“I’ve got you,” Steve whispered as he started stroking lazily. “You’re safe here… just work your imagination, okay? There must be a girl you met that would get you going? A brunette… with big breasts as you like?”

Bucky didn’t answer, burying his warm face in Steve’s shoulder. He seemed not to know where to put his arms, his need of contact censored by his last reservations. Steve tried not to think about it, how good it was to stroke another man. His best guy. The hard cock in his palm, his fingers moist with precum, the warm body entwined with his, and the mouth on his shoulder. That wasn’t for him, he couldn’t think about his own feelings right now, he was doing it for Bucky first, giving him the help and attentions Steve didn’t receive when he came out of the ice. 

“She’s got a tiny waist,” Steve murmured in Bucky’s ear. “And wide hips, remember? That’s your kind of girl… and when she walks her breasts jiggle a little but she doesn’t care. She’s got a rich fiancé but when she walks down the streets and sees you, it’s you she wants. She loves classy rebels like you. She always refuses your cigarettes but she can’t take her eyes off you when you smoke…”

“Such a storyteller,” Bucky mumbled against his neck, pretending not to like it. His breath was short and he didn’t even try to move away. 

“Unlike you,” Steve joked. He wrapped his fingers tightly around Bucky and moved a bit faster. He didn’t want him to feel pressured into finishing too soon. He could literally go on all night if needed, he just wanted to make sure Bucky enjoyed every second of it, and had his body warm up slowly. “You can’t talk to girls so you have to seduce them with your pretty face, uh? So, your brunette… when she bends over you can see her brassiere and you ask me to draw it. She’s got dark nipples you can guess under her blouse… and when he skirt flies you see her thighs…”

Bucky let out a soft moan but Steve was unable to tell if it was for the image or the touch. They seemed to have found the perfect position, in each other’s arms, breathing in each other’s ear. Bucky was panting louder, out of breath. He was hard in Steve’s hand and his hips moved slightly to get more friction. 

It took them a few minutes to find a good rhythm but when Steve heard Bucky’s soft moans become regular he didn’t try to change. He had had the feeling, during all his youth, that he spent his time clinging to Bucky but now the tables had turned, and he was ready to support him, always. Til the end of the line. 

Steve froze the moment he felt warm lips on his neck but didn’t find the strength to refuse. His own body was too shaken to even think about what was wrong or right, was there really a limit anymore? 

“‘D’you mind?” Bucky whispered before he started kissing the sensitive skin of his neck. Steve felt him inhale his scent like an addict, squeeze him harder, taste him with parted lips and the tip of his tongue. Bucky’s nose rested against the vein on his throat, pressing against his pulse, and Steve wasn’t sure anymore if it was all for Bucky. He pressed the rhythm of his hand to ignore his own needs. He was hard now, but too selfless to think about himself. 

Bucky’s moans were louder in his ear as he explored his neck with his mouth. The low, feral voice of a man who couldn’t have been himself for too long. He nibbled on Steve’s earlobe, slipped and bit a little harder than expected, eliciting a soft “fuck” from the soldier.

“Shit, sorry,” he apologized, tensing in his arms.

“It’s okay,” Steve panted, holding Bucky’s metal shoulder to stop his hand from trembling. “But if you go on like that I can’t promise I won’t come before you do…”

Bucky slightly turned his head to look him in the eye, and Steve couldn’t handle the intense gaze, not now. Bucky seemed both aroused, desperate, lost, and confused. 

“I don’t think I can,” he groaned, strands of hair brushing his brow as he shook his head. “It won’t… I feel it but it doesn’t come.” 

Bucky ran a hand on his face and tried to move away. His metal hand landed on his own thigh and he shivered, a look of utter disgust on his face. Feeling sorry for him, Steve caressed his neck. 

“Don’t worry, hey… you have time. No hurry. I can go on for as long as you need me to.” 

Bucky frowned. “You don’t have to.”

“I know, and that why I’m doing it,” Steve assured, placing his hands on Bucky’s hips to keep him close. “This is my choice. Don’t think about me, listen to what your body needs. Just try to let it go.” 

Steve tried not to sound too commanding or condescending. He was out of options, he didn’t know what to do for his friend when getting in touch with his own libido had been so difficult. 

“I don’t know how to let it go, that’s not what I’ve been trained for,” Bucky snarled, immediately regretting his harsh tone. “Sorry…”

“Stop apologizing,” Steve sighed as he took him in his arms. “You don’t owe me anything. I just want to help.”

Bucky nuzzled his throat, hid his face against his shoulder. Steve was about to ask him if he wanted to try to get some sleep when a strong and awkward hand cupped his own hard-on. Despite the thin layer of fabric between their skins, Steve couldn’t contain a loud moan and his fingers gripped Bucky’s shoulder. 

“Wanna touch me?” he asked, aware of the silly question it was. 

Bucky nodded against his shoulder. “Can I? You can say no.” 

“I don’t know anyone who would say no to that,” Steve laughed, his breath coming short as gentle fingers kneaded his groin. “Wait… wait.”

Steve hesitated for a second before removing himself from the warm embrace. He rested on his elbow, rolled onto his back, Bucky lingered above him. Steve placed his legs on both side of Bucky, making sure he didn’t trap him, then invited him to come closer. Bucky was watching his every move as if he had never seen something more confusing and beautiful. 

“Here,” Steve invited, a hand on Bucky’s side. He slid his own bowers down and bit his lip when his cock sprung free, bumping into his friend’s. They both let out surprised sighs. Steve took Bucky’s warmer hand and gently placed it on both their erections. “You’re in charge, okay?”

“You... sure?” Bucky stammered in an uncertain tone that Steve thought was simply of a man doing something for the first time. 

Steve nodded, licked his dry lips. “Yeah, go ahead. Pick the pace. I can’t promise I’ll hold on as much as you do though…“

This time Bucky had a small smile. His face was still hard, reflecting all his hesitations and tensions, yet he couldn’t hide his obvious affection for Steve. He looked at his own hand as he held their cocks together and started to stroke softly. Steve moaned, his body jerking in reaction. 

“Hm yeah, like that please,” he begged softly. He could feel Bucky’s thighs against his, his strong body over him, muscles and strength under control. A hand that could kill tenderly wrapped around his cock. “Oh fuck, Bucky… s’good…” 

Steve tried not to let it go too soon, wanting to make sure Bucky was okay. He didn’t want it to turn into yet another traumatic experience. Though when he gazed up to him through his lashes, Steve could tell his friend didn’t want to leave. 

“Yes, please… more…” Steve moaned, heated by the delicious friction. He wanted to show him how to let go, how to just stop thinking. Bucky seemed perplex, confused even by his reactions and Steve could understand it, it’s not everyday that you witness your best friend’s ecstasy. Bucky tried stroking harder, faster, making it even more difficult for Steve to think. 

“Oh… yeah,” Steve slurred, holding onto his friend’s waist. 

Opening his eyes he realized Bucky was studying him, his focused gaze going from their cocks to his face. He was worrying his bottom lip, confused and lost. And Steve understood it was worse than he had thought. So much more than just fucking his best friend. For the first time in decades Bucky was in control of someone who didn’t fear him. Someone who trusted him. For the first time he was giving pleasure, not inflicting pain, and his prey was asking for more, not begging him to stop. The “yes, more” had replaced all the “no, please don’t!”. 

Determined to show him he wasn’t the monster he thought, Steve spread his legs further and rolled his hips to meet Bucky’s hand.

“Yes,” he moaned, barely exaggerating to finally give him a good memory. “Yes… oh it’s so good, Buck… please don’t stop, please…” 

Taking his mission seriously, Bucky started to stroke faster, rolling his hips to add to the friction. Steve couldn’t tell whose moist warmth he was feeling now. He gasped for air, kept trying to look at him through wet lashes. 

“Hhh… ha… so close, ha...” 

Bucky didn’t seem to notice Steve’s overdoing, or if he did it didn’t bother him. And Steve didn’t care, he wasn’t really faking, he was just voicing louder what he could have kept to himself. Unable to keep his eyes open, Steve clung to Bucky’s shoulders, rubbing his hands on his warm skin. The sudden feeling of cold metal on his cheek surprised him but he didn’t let it show. He turned his head, nuzzled the hard palm to prove Bucky he didn’t hate this foreign part of his body. Eyes half-closed, he sucked on the hard thumb and it’s Bucky’s shock, the surprise to be trusted so much that was Steve’s final weakness. 

Steve closed his eyes, fingers gripping his friend’s shoulders, and came hard, lips still locked around the iron thumb. He felt Bucky’s fist close tightly around their cocks. Still shaking from his orgasm, Steve looked up to see him, make sure he was fine. 

Bucky’s eyes were dark again but not with anger or frustration this time. Staring at Steve like he was the last person on Earth, Bucky bit his lower lip hard enough to draw blood, breathing heavily through his nose. The grip was too strong on Steve’s cock, it almost hurt but it was nothing the captain couldn’t take. His heart was beating fast as Bucky shook above him, pumping faster. The last seconds seemed to last forever, their ragged breaths echoing in the room, until finally Bucky froze with a feral growl. His eyes fluttered, he tried to keep them open as long as he could. His moans turned into low screams, pain and pleasure mixed in his sore body as he came for the first time in decades. Steve was already half-hard again from the friction, the sounds, the animal energy Bucky exuded, the musky smell of his skin, the warm cum dripping on his stomach. 

Bucky froze, shoulders shaking. He tried catching up his breath but only managed to gasp like he was out of air. Steve tentatively ran a hand behind his neck and pulled him close when he felt no resistance. Bucky fell on top of him, moaning with every breath. He had had a hard time starting but now he couldn’t stop. His burning face was covered in sweat when it met Steve’s skin, and for several minutes Bucky couldn’t move, just pant, moan, groan softly. 

Steve nuzzled his temple and caressed his whole body, both arms, his back, his muscular frame to show once again he was not afraid of him.

“That’s right… better like that, isn’t it?” Steve encouraged against his ear. “Feels good?” 

“Steve…” Bucky simply sighed against his shoulder. 

Steve wrapped his arms around him, not caring about the mess on their stomachs. He kissed his temple, stroked his head and neck, his shaking muscles. A line had been crossed that night and Steve didn’t regret it. There was nothing he wouldn’t have done for Bucky, for as long as they lived he knew that would be true. 

Once his breathing was almost normal again, Bucky untucked his head from under Steve’s chin. “You’ve done so much for me,” he whispered in a broken voice. “So much… fuck, as soon as I get my first paycheck I’ll take you to a real restaurant, and you can eat all you want, and…”

Touched by the attention, Steve blushed and shoved his palm into Bucky’s face. “Come on! What kind of guy do you think I am? I’m not having sex with you for fancy restaurants, I’m not a whore!” 

“You little punk,” Bucky sighed with a grin. He brushed his fingers on Steve’s face, eyes filled with affection. 

For a long moment they stared at each other, reading each other’s thoughts. It was Bucky who made the first move and pressed his open mouth on Steve’s, trying to suppress the urge growing in his chest. Steve’s tongue pushed past his lips and the kiss turned into a rough, hungry one. They grabbed each other’s hair, licking, sucking, moans and groans escaping their throats. Steve shivered. The last time they had been so intimately close had been a fight. This time there was no struggle, they didn’t want to escape, just melt into each other. Their equal strength had terrified Steve at some point, he was now comforted, happy not having to control his own body.

Bucky rested his forehead on Steve’s shoulder, catching his breath. His metal fingers, not so cold now, traced random patterns on Steve’s skin. 

“Fuck, lemme tell ya I’m not moving,” Steve groaned, barely able to stretch his body. “I’m sleepin’ here whether you like it or not. There’s no way I move back to my bed.”

They both knew Bucky had the right to get to the other bed if he wanted to. But he didn’t seem ready to move either. Instead he grunted and pretended not to be happy.

“Pfff… stay here if you want, but I surely won’t sleep. Haven’t slept with someone in my bunk for too long, you’ll keep me awake,” he grouched.

Less than five minutes later he was sleeping against Steve, snoring in his ear, and Steve didn’t mind, because he could feel in the way Bucky held him how he craved intimacy and a gentle touch, how he needed a hug more than anything. A hug and a friend, someone to treat him like a human being again. Steve kissed his forehead and pulled the sheets to cover his arm, as Bucky always did. 

“Good night, sleep tight, don’t let the Black Widow bite.”

Bucky half-smiled in his sleep and snuggled closer, trapping Steve under his good arm. 

There was always a darkness in Bucky’s eyes that Steve knew he could never make disappear. But he could help with other symptoms, and give Bucky the luxury of love, attention, patience, and gentle treatments. All that Bucky had given him during his childhood, plus some adult extras.


End file.
